My Fading Heart

I don’t know.

 

Why I feel this way

A sharp hole through my heart,

Every moment I think of us apart

 

I stare at you from afar,

Through our photos of stars,

The memories, once shinning, were so grand,

We felt each other’s warmth in our hand

 

But today I feel gloom,

Resting beneath the moon,

Gazing at the stars,

Seeing a past so bright,

Fading away with each passing night.

 

What we had was beautiful,

Stark, and heavenly fruitful

 

But a lie I spewed,

An inner turmoil ignited,

The Godly weight on my shoulders,

Taken out on your soul

 

Pretending I shared Him with you

 

Will your name ring true only in my head,

For what once brought me warmth and joy

now brings me to tears

 

After thoughts

After a breakup, I tried to forget. I tried to dismiss. But each time I scrolled through my photos, trying to find an older, unrelated photo, I would inevitably see her and I. Each photo like a star in the sky, whose light fades each passing night. I looked at her from afar, from the screen between my hands, hands that once felt her warmth.

In the beginning, a characteristic quality she was looking for, was a Christian. I was not. But I tried to lie to myself, and ultimately her, thinking I could fool myself. Because I adored every other part of her. But her faith was as integral to her as my lungs are to me, and I foolishly thought otherwise. The weight of the lie initially grew slowly, but over time grew exponentially. So on this night, I again saw her photos, and again broke down in tears. Tears for the pain I caused, and the hard lesson I learned. Pain aimed at a resilient, strong soul who walks with God.

I’m sorry.

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